Monday, December 11, 2006


Last night and yesterday were really bad. After we got home from the Hanukah party at Cortney and Adam's, I was in bad shape emotionally. I've been feeling like I have to put on a "brave face" so I don't get the "oh you poor thing" look. And, to be honest, it's exhausting. All weekend I felt like I had to be okay for everyone else, to make them feel less uncomfortable around me. And that is really not in my personality to act like that. I'm usually quite honest in my feelings and such. So, starting today, I'm giving myself permission to be sad and to cry when I want to and to just tell people I don't want to talk about it, if it's too much for me.

As for physically, last night was the worst pain I've ever had in my life. Cramping started around 5:30ish and started coming about two minutes apart. The cramping was so intense that at first I thought maybe it was diarrhea so I went to the bathroom to see what happened. I hadn't had a bowel movement since Thursday (the day before my D&C). I went a little bit, but definitely not enough to warrant the cramps I was having, and then I had a clot that upset me even further. I haven't had much bleeding, but seeing that clot made everything a reality once again, and I lost it sitting there on the toilet. Once I realized that going to the bathroom wasn't the problem, I got back in bed and tried to relax and will the cramps to go away. That didn't quite work so well.

Finally, I had to take a Tylenol with Codeine. I had tried to avoid it because I don't like taking medication I don't really need, but this pain was intense. After about an hour (or what felt like an hour), I still felt the same and asked Chris if I could take another one and he asked me to wait until 7:30. At 7:15 I couldn't take it anymore and had to take another pill. Right after that, it seems my first pill kicked in a little. I was still feeling the pain, but didn't care so much about it and was able to breathe through it without moving all around and moaning. I rested for about an hour and by that time, the cramps had subsided for the most part.

This morning, I'm feeling them again, but definitely less intense than last night. I took another pill just so it doesn't hit me hard at work. I'm not looking forward to going back to work, but I can't stay home forever. I know they'll be patient and caring with me, but it just feels weird to be going back.


Mom said...

I'm sorry you had a such a difficult time yesterday, but you do need to be able to display your emotions wherever and whenever you feel the need. This is about you and Chris and the way to heal in a healthy way is to let those emotions out.

Carley's Mommy said...

Time will heal but the road is not an easy one. I can't say I know what you are going through nor will I pretend to understand the heartache that you and Chris are feeling. But I do know that putting on the "I'm fine" front is very exhausting. Cry-hit-scream-curse, you are allowed.

ss_blog_claim=86be2c4954b7fd5203a34626824dc425 ss_blog_claim=86be2c4954b7fd5203a34626824dc425