Thursday, December 14, 2006

One Week

It's been one week since we found out the news that our little Nugget had died. It's been one of the worst weeks of my life. A lot of people don't understand what Chris and I have been going through. They think, well it's not like it was an actual child. You only knew you were pregnant for 5 weeks. To that I respond:

Think about when you were pregnant with your first child. You went off whatever birth control method you were using and you were trying so hard to make a new life. Then you got pregnant and you were so excited you could burst. Everything was perfect, but you were afraid to admit that out loud for fear of jinxing it. Then you saw the little heart beating at 8 weeks and the reality that you were going to be parents hit. You started picturing how you were going to set up the nursery, how your husband was going to teach them to play sports, how you were going to read them books while they were still in your belly. Then, a week later, you found out your dream had died. That little baby that you had such hopes for had died inside you. It's paralyzing. Now do you get it?

I can tell myself over and over that we're going to have a baby one day, but I don't know that for sure. I don't know that I'll ever have children. We tried once and failed and who's to say that won't happen again and again? That's why this is so hard. There's such uncertainty.

9 comments:

Mom said...

I can feel your hurt and understand because you are my child and I carried you. The people who don't "get it" don't need to be a part of your life at this point. You should surround yourself with people who feel for you not because they had it happen, but because they love you and understand the hurt you are feeling.

I know you feel the future is unknown, but I feel in my heart you will have a totally normal pregnancy not too far down the road. I know of one of my own friends whose child had a miscarriage with the first and went on (not many months later) to have a normal pregnancy.

The future is bright for you even though you can't see it yet.

Nadine said...

Oh, Amy. It makes me so sad to read these words. I could have written these very words myself after my own loss. The people that say that "well, you weren't pregnant for long, or it wasn't actually a child" are inconsiderate and have obviously never known the love that a mother can have for a child, no matter how "new" that child is. For me, the minute a pregnancy test turned positive, there was a baby. Very tiny, but still a baby. I totally understand how you feel, and I am sorry you are going through this. It is never fair for anyone.

I just sincerely hope that the days do get easier, and that with time, you begin to feel better. I know the road is hard, but I am sure you will get there eventually.

I'll be thinking of you and Chris.

Carley's Mommy said...

5 days, 5 weeks, 5 months. Makes no difference. You carried a life inside of you and damn those people who can't understand that. You saw the heart beat and your peanut-dreams are suppose to form them and don't let anyone else tell you different. You and Chris will be the most amazing parents (even when they do have a dirty diaper:)and I have no doubt that time will come again very soon.

Holly said...

Amy,

I wish I could say that I understand what your going through and that it will all be ok and give you a great big hug and say here you can have mine. Well I cant give you mine but I could only imagine what you might be going through I would not want it to happen to me right now. But what I can say is my mom has three wonderful beautiful kids and she had more than one miscarrage(not that this is going to happen to you). I believe in my heart you will have a beautiful child soooon. From the moment I was pregnant it was never not a child. Your small peanut will always be remembered and if you need a shoulder to cry on I will lend you mine.

Lauren said...

Oh, Amy, my heart goes out to you and Chris. People can be so tactless, and they don't understand the pain you are going through. Your mom is wise: "The people who don't "get it" don't need to be a part of your life at this point." This is so true.

Please know that most people feel for you and want you to be happy--they just don't always know how to say it.

I wish the best for you and Chris and hope that things will turn around soon. You will make a wonderful mother, and your precious nugget will not be forgotten.

Hannah said...

Amy,

I really wish I could tell you something to make you feel better right this second because it makes me sad to read what you are going through. Unfortunately I can't make the hurt go away for you, but I can tell you that all of your Delaware family loves you and Chris and we are all praying for you. Someday soon, when the world is ready to have another Chris running around on it, you and he will make amazing parents. If you ever need someone to talk to we're all always here, even though we are quite a hike away.

Loads of Love from DE,
Hannah

girl said...

Man, sometimes people just suck and that's the nicest thing I can think to say about that. I too miscarried my first child, at 12 weeks and went onto have two perfect children, I hope the same for you. I hope you stay in touch so I can see it happen! Lotsa love and hugs!

Erika said...

Amy, you are right - it was your baby and your child. And it will always be your baby and your child. Don't let anyone tell you different. I am thinking positive thoughts for you and your husband in the very near future!

Lissa who loves you said...

I left a message on an earlier post, but feel compelled to do so here. Anyone who doesn't understand your sorrow is an idiot. I've never been pregnant, and never wanted to be, but I can see past the end of my own nose and understand someone else's needs. It sounds like your mom is awesome, and I have no doubt that you will be, too. Big hug, sweetie.

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