Christmas

A little late, but here are the highlights of our Christmas.

We traveled to Delaware on Christmas Eve morning and visited with family. That night, at exactly 7:00pm we went outside to light the luminaries. It was so pretty. All the houses in the neighborhood had them lined up on their sidewalks. As we were lighting them, I wondered if we should be singing something and started singing Silent Night. Renee and Chris thought I was weird, but it felt strange to be doing it in silence.

Christmas morning we went to Denese and Craig's house for breakfast. As usual, it was delicious. After a while, Chris and Hannah left to play tennis but it started raining so they came back fairly quickly.

After that, we went over to MomMom's to open presents with Devan and Megan. They really got a lot of cool stuff. I think they were excited about the Playstation the most.

While we were waiting for dinner to start, the cousins all played dreidel. Chris and brought over our dreidel, but we found out that Devan and Megan had their own from school. Who knew Delaware was so multicultural??!! We did bring gelt for them to play with also.

The whole family came over and we had a really nice Christmas dinner. The food was delicious, as usual! Unfortunately, the ham was bad, but there was still plenty of food to go around. No one ever goes hungry in MomMom's house.

Chris and I drove home after dinner in the rain and darkness. It was a pretty scary but Chris is a great driver and got me home safely. I told him I'd write him a letter of recommendation to his new boss telling him what a great driver he is.

Speaking of which, Chris starts his new job on January 5th! He's really excited about it. There's a lot of room for growth within the organization and he'll be able to experience a lot of different aspects of the business. Unfortunately, he has to commute to DC every day but there's a commuter train right behind our neighborhood so that's convenient.

So, in all it was a really nice Christmas. It was tough because 1) this is the first Christmas without Chris's grandfather but MomMom's such a strong lady and she handled it like a champ, and 2) it was sad that at Thanksgiving we had a new pregnancy to celebrate and now we don't. But I know PopPop's up there with our little baby and they're keeping each other company. Maybe he'll have a little word with the Big Guy and give us a baby by the end of 2007. I sure hope so!

Doctor's Appointment

So, everything went well with the doctor today. He said that all the genetic and chromosonal testing came back normal, which was great news. I asked about seeing a perinatologist and he said they can do the same bloodwork they'd do, so I went ahead and had them draw blood for that. It takes several weeks for the results of that to come in. I've stopped bleeding finally; I bled for exactly two weeks.

I'll update later with our Christmas pics.

Shelves are up!

Chris put up our new shelves while I was getting my brows waxed this morning. I think they look amazing.

Argh!

I had my doctor's appointment scheduled for this morning. This is the appointment to make sure I'm healing correctly and there isn't any infection. I was looking forward to it because this is also the appointment when we find out the genetic testing results and the doc gives me the go-ahead to move on with my life.

Last night at 6:00, my doctor's office called to tell me my doc had an emergency and had to reschedule my appointment for Wednesday the 27th. So annoying! I'm sure everything's okay but I'm anxious to find out the results of everything. I guess the good thing is that I'm still sort of bleeding so a pelvic exam would gross me (and I'm sure my doctor) out. I'm not bleeding heavily anymore but it's enough to where it's annoying. It feels like I'll be bleeding until my next period! :-)

Tree

It just occurred to me that I never posted our little tree once it got all dressed up. Here she is!

Shelves

The shelves at Pottery Barn are on sale! We'll do some measurements tonight and I'll go there tomorrow night after my hair appointment and get them. So excited!

In other good news, Chris had a second interview today with a company in DC and it looks like they'll be giving him an offer. He'd be working on the Admin team and also acting as a driver for the CEO. I'll tell you more once it actually goes through. I don't want to jinx it!

Happy Hanukah!

So, for the first time since I was a kid, I celebrated Hanukah on time and with candles. What does that mean, you say? Well, in my family we celebrate Hanukah whenever we can get everyone in the same place at once. Sometimes it's actually during the holiday, and sometimes it's not until mid-January. And then this year for the first time in my adult life, we have candles and lit the menorah that we got several years ago as a gift from Rosemary (Nancy's mother). I even said the prayers, although I'm not sure I did them right. Close enough, though.

After we lit the candles, Chris and I played dreidel with M&Ms because gelt is gross. It's waxy and icky and I'd rather play for M&Ms so that's what we did. We had to look up the rules online because I forgot. :-) It was fun. I lost.

The rest of our weekend was good. We had dinner with Phil, Laura and Carley on Saturday night and then hung out with them at their house on Sunday. We shopped around for shelves to use as a mantel (our Chrismukah gift to ourselves) but with no luck. We'll figure it out one of these days. We're trying to find some shelves that have the crown moulding look, but can't seem to find the right sizes for the right price. Pottery Barn has them, but they're super expensive. Home Depot, Lowes and Target were useless. Anyone have any ideas on where else to look?

It amazes me...

that anyone could be as in love with their husband as I am with mine.

One Week

It's been one week since we found out the news that our little Nugget had died. It's been one of the worst weeks of my life. A lot of people don't understand what Chris and I have been going through. They think, well it's not like it was an actual child. You only knew you were pregnant for 5 weeks. To that I respond:

Think about when you were pregnant with your first child. You went off whatever birth control method you were using and you were trying so hard to make a new life. Then you got pregnant and you were so excited you could burst. Everything was perfect, but you were afraid to admit that out loud for fear of jinxing it. Then you saw the little heart beating at 8 weeks and the reality that you were going to be parents hit. You started picturing how you were going to set up the nursery, how your husband was going to teach them to play sports, how you were going to read them books while they were still in your belly. Then, a week later, you found out your dream had died. That little baby that you had such hopes for had died inside you. It's paralyzing. Now do you get it?

I can tell myself over and over that we're going to have a baby one day, but I don't know that for sure. I don't know that I'll ever have children. We tried once and failed and who's to say that won't happen again and again? That's why this is so hard. There's such uncertainty.

Belated Birthday

I just wanted to publicly wish our friend Carley a belated happy first birthday! We love you!

Feeling better

I'm feeling much better today. The cramping has stopped and I finally had a bowel movement this morning. My first real one since Thursday! I'm bleeding more than I was, but it's not enough to worry me. I made a follow-up appointment with my doctor for 12/22 for him to make sure everything looks good and I'm healing properly.

I started charting my temps again this morning, and I was at 97.8 which is about where I would be if I were on my period right now, so that's good news. To learn more about charting, go to http://www.fertilityfriend.com/HelpCenter/FFBook/. I charted the two months before I got pregnant, and it was really helpful to me to know what my body was doing. It's pretty amazing. I also read Taking Charge of Your Fertility, which was a really great, informative book. A lot of people call it the Rhythm Method and think it's ridiculous, but it worked for us. Granted, a lot of people use this method to AVOID getting pregnant, and I think it's not as effective for that. We use it for the oppposite effect.

Oy

Last night and yesterday were really bad. After we got home from the Hanukah party at Cortney and Adam's, I was in bad shape emotionally. I've been feeling like I have to put on a "brave face" so I don't get the "oh you poor thing" look. And, to be honest, it's exhausting. All weekend I felt like I had to be okay for everyone else, to make them feel less uncomfortable around me. And that is really not in my personality to act like that. I'm usually quite honest in my feelings and such. So, starting today, I'm giving myself permission to be sad and to cry when I want to and to just tell people I don't want to talk about it, if it's too much for me.

As for physically, last night was the worst pain I've ever had in my life. Cramping started around 5:30ish and started coming about two minutes apart. The cramping was so intense that at first I thought maybe it was diarrhea so I went to the bathroom to see what happened. I hadn't had a bowel movement since Thursday (the day before my D&C). I went a little bit, but definitely not enough to warrant the cramps I was having, and then I had a clot that upset me even further. I haven't had much bleeding, but seeing that clot made everything a reality once again, and I lost it sitting there on the toilet. Once I realized that going to the bathroom wasn't the problem, I got back in bed and tried to relax and will the cramps to go away. That didn't quite work so well.

Finally, I had to take a Tylenol with Codeine. I had tried to avoid it because I don't like taking medication I don't really need, but this pain was intense. After about an hour (or what felt like an hour), I still felt the same and asked Chris if I could take another one and he asked me to wait until 7:30. At 7:15 I couldn't take it anymore and had to take another pill. Right after that, it seems my first pill kicked in a little. I was still feeling the pain, but didn't care so much about it and was able to breathe through it without moving all around and moaning. I rested for about an hour and by that time, the cramps had subsided for the most part.

This morning, I'm feeling them again, but definitely less intense than last night. I took another pill just so it doesn't hit me hard at work. I'm not looking forward to going back to work, but I can't stay home forever. I know they'll be patient and caring with me, but it just feels weird to be going back.

Update

Just wanted to update everyone who's inquired about how we're doing. I'm feeling well. A little cramping, but nothing horrible. It's a little difficult getting up and down to sit and I walk pretty slow, but I'm getting better every hour.

Going to the bathroom is an anxiety-producing experience every time. I couldn't go yesterday. I tried and it felt like needles and knives. It was horrible. I called my dr and he said I was probably having spasms from the catheter (which no one told me I had) and it would probably work itself out, or else I'd have to go to the ER eventually and get another catheter. So I waited another while, and forced my way through it. I was grunting and crying and shaking...it was terrible. But now I can go and it hurts a little less every time. But I still get nervous every time I have to go.

My bleeding is minimal. It's much less than I expected to have, which is great.

So, overall I'm feeling pretty good. Emotionally, I'm healing. It hurts every time I really think about it, especially when I'm awake in the middle of the night, but we'll get through it. Chris is amazing. He's handling things very well and is very supportive and sweet and makes sure I'm not doing more than I'm supposed to. I'm a lucky girl.

D&C

We just got home from my D&C.

The ladies at my doctor's office and the nurses at the hospital told me to get there at 9:30 even though my appointment wasn't until noon. I guess they were hoping to fit me in earlier?

They finally called me back around 12:20, gave me my IV, did the usual pre-op questions and then Dr. Montilla came in to discuss. He really is such a nice man. Once the anesthesiologist gave me my cocktail, I barely remember being wheeled into the operating room. I sort of remember them asking me to move over to the other table and maybe feeling them moving my legs around. And I do remember that it was FREEZING in there! That was it until they woke me up a little while later in the recovery area. Chris and my mom were right there when I woke up.

I'm feeling pretty good. Pretty crampy, but not bad otherwise. Emotionally, I'm doing much better than I was yesterday. I woke up a lot last night, and would realize what was going on, and that would keep me up for a while. Plus the crying made my nose all snotty and who can sleep when they're sniffing constantly?!

So, thank you everyone for your kind words and thoughts. We'll get through this like champs.

Sad News

After a little bit of bleeding yesterday, I called my OB's office and they had me come in for an ultrasound just to make sure everything was okay. I didn't have any accompanying cramping and the blood was brown, not red, so it was old blood, but it made me nervous anyway.

Chris and I got to the appointment this morning and I knew right away that something was wrong. I couldn't see the blinking heart. She tried all different angles and agreed that the baby stopped growing and the heart stopped beating.

We met with a midwife who suggested a D&C as soon as we were comfortable, rather than letting nature take its course, which could take weeks. So we scheduled a D&C for tomorrow.

You always have that thought in the back of your mind, "What would I do if I miscarried" but you never really think it'll actually happen to you. But it did happen and I'm utterly disappointed and sad. But we'll get through this and move forward and hopefully soon enough I'll have good news to share.

I still plan on continuing this blog and keeping everyone updated on our family!

The Best Deliciousness in the World

Chris and I went to DQ last night and I got a chocolate blizzard with oreo and rainbow sprinkles. OMG, it was the best thing I've ever had in my life. And it's got a lot of calcium so it's good for me, right? ;-)

Nothing to report

I feel fine, I'm sleeping 10 hours a night (!), and I have nothing to report.

Chris and I put the lights on the tree yesterday. Well, Chris put the lights on the tree because it turns out that the wire that strings the lights together has levels of lead that may cause birth defects and other problems, so pregnant women are being told to steer clear (or at least wash their hands immediately after handling them). So I had Chris do the lights, and then wash his hands after just to be safe. Turns out the tree skirt we bought is kind of little, so it's now our tree yarmulke. I'll post pics later once we put the ornaments on.

We have a busy weekend planned this weekend and I'm exhausted just thinking about it. On Saturday, we have Carley's first birthday party and then over to Debbie and Bob's to make Christmas cookies with Chris's aunts (well, I'm doing that and Chris and Bob are going to see Casino Royale). Then on Sunday we're going up to Baltimore for Hanukah with my family. Should be a fun weekend, but when do I get to nap??? :-)

Christmas Tree

What a great day yesterday! We went to chop down our first Christmas tree at a farm in the Bluemont area, which is west of Leesburg. The weather was perfect. The sun was shining, the temperature was great. It was just cold enough to make it realistic that we were getting our tree (the day before it was 75 degrees!) but not cold enough to make us freeze. Here are some pics from our excursion.

We walked around the farm for a while and Debbie, Bob and Chris taught me about the different kinds of trees and had me touch them to make my own decision on what kind I wanted. Thankfully, I like the Douglas Fir like everyone else so we started looking around for our tree. And then we found it!

Chris went to work chopping our new tree down and then we carted it away to be shaken and wrapped. But, before we did that, Chris spent some quality time with our now dead tree.

We got our trees (ours and Debbie and Bob's) strapped to the car and then went to get apple pies from Hill High Orchard. They have an amazing Dutch Apple pie. Yum!! We took the trees back to their house, loaded ours in my car and took theirs inside, and then got pizza at a new place in Leesburg. I was sooo hungry from walking up and down the hills at the farm, and the nugget was probably making me hungry too.

It was such a great day. I had so much fun! I can't wait to do it again next year.

Edited to add: Sorry the pictures aren't aligned correctly. They looked really good when I was posting this but didn't turn out so great when it was published. Oh well!

Blah

Not much going on around here. I had some spotting yesterday, but I was prepared for it. My doctor told me that might happen from the pap I had done on Wednesday. It's also right around the time I'd have my period and it's common to have some spotting every month around that time. Even though I was prepared for it, it was pretty scary seeing it. And now today I'm cramping a little, but I know that's normal as well. I'm just freaking myself out, I think.

Tomorrow we're going to cut down our Christmas tree with Chris' parents. I'm so excited! I've never had a tree before so we went out and got a tree skirt and tonight we're getting our tree stand. Apparently, there's a magic one that adjusts so your tree stands perfectly straight. Hopefully I'll remember the camera and can post some pics.