Is anyone else...

as disturbed as I am by the new pictures that have come out of a near naked Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter)? I feel gross and uncomfortable looking at them.

Perinatologist

Well, I was supposed to have an appointment today with the perinatologist my friend recommended. It was originally scheduled for Feb. 8th but they called me a few weeks ago to reschedule for Jan. 30th, which I was happy about because it meant I'd get to see him sooner than I thought, especially since I made the appointment right after my miscarriage, in mid-December. (Wow, how's that for a run-on sentence? Sorry, Mr. Bradley. Apparently, I learned nothing.)

This morning they called me to tell me they needed to reschedule my appointment because one of the doctors is sick so they're rearranging the schedule. So, they rebooked me for Feb. 8th. Does that date sound familiar??? Not only do I have the same appointment I started with, but when they originally rescheduled they changed the doctor I was seeing. I wanted to see Dr. Khoury because he was the one who was recommended but they had me scheduled to see some other doctor. But now that's all fixed. Hopefully.

Rehab

Why do celebrities think the way to make their mistakes disappear is to go into rehab? Isaiah Washington, from Grey's Anatomy, checked himself into rehab for psychological counseling because he called someone a "faggot." Seriously. Rehab. He's not a drunk, he's not on drugs, but he's got some anger issues. Do they even have rehab for angry people? Apparently so.

What ever happened to, "I'm so sorry. I said that in a moment of anger and I'm mortified that it came out of my mouth, much less entered my thoughts. Please forgive me"?

State of the Union

Am I the only one with absolutely no interest in watching the State of the Union address last night? I find it intensely boring hearing the same thing over and over again. The constant utterances of "stay the course" and the mispronunciation of nuclear. It's NU-clee-er, not freaking NU-cue-ler. It makes me crazy. I can't follow anything he says. It's like I start to hear him speak and my mind goes in all different directions. I tried watching the last speech when he decided to send more troops to Iraq. Chris and I sat there watching it together. Every time Chris would make a comment or ask a question, I'd have to admit that I wasn't paying attention. I was watching him speak, but not hearing a word he said.

And it's not that I hate our president or his politics. I just don't find him interesting to watch or listen to.

I was thisclose to being an Army wife. I should be interested in this war and what's happening, but I just can't seem to force myself to pay attention. How many times can you read a headline about a car bomb killing kids and their moms while they were shopping for vegetables at the local market and not start to distance yourself from it? When this war first started, I was glued to the television. I had a vested interest in what was going on. I wanted to know what Chris was headed for. But now, I just want it to go away. I want to bury my head in the sand and pretend it doesn't exist. Sadly, I think a lot of us feel that way.

I live every day in fear. I'm so terrified that something will happen to Chris or my family. I want to move to a farm in South Dakota some days in the hopes that the terrorists can't get to me there. It scares me that Chris works in DC now. I was there when the planes crashed. I was blocks from the White House that day and will never forget watching the black smoke rising from the Pentagon when I finally got home later that day. I watched the sky the whole way home, praying that it would stay empty. And I still get a blast of adrenaline when we're driving close to Dulles and a plane seems to low for my comfort.

But it also scares me to think about what this country would be like if we didn't fight back. If Al Gore had won that election, where would we be now?

Let it Snow

On Sunday, we finally got our first snow of the season. I'm not talking first MEASURABLE snow...it was the first snow at all! No flurries, no flakes, no sleet, nothing up until now. Since it was finally snowing, Chris went and got some firewood and we lit our first fire of the season. Our house now smells like a campfire but it was really nice. Chris's parents gave us a new fireplace insert that fits better than the old one. We have a small fireplace and the old holder was a tad too big. This one is self-feeding, so as the wood burns, it falls down toward the bottom and you add more to the top. I think it worked great!

All clean!

I went to the dentist today and had the best checkup I've ever had. They said my teeth are very healthy and they only scraped for a second. It was awesome. I love when I don't have to come back for fillings! They asked if anything in my medical history had changed and I said no and then they asked if I was in the hospital for any reason so I had to tell them I had a "minor procedure." I got through it without crying or even getting too sad about it though. I just can't get away from this thing. You'd think the dentist's office would be a safe place for me to not have to mention or think about my miscarriage! Oh well...moving on.

Is it weird...

that I poop at the exact same time every morning when I'm at work?

Poem

My friend Krysten pointed me to this poem and I thought I'd share this with all of you. I know some of my readers have had pregnancies end before their time and I hope they like this poem. Like Krysten, I also like the part about what might have been. That's the worst part about losing a baby. You'll never know what might have been.

How do you love a person
Who never got to be,
Or try again to see a face
You never got to see?
How do you mourn the death of one
Who never got to live,
When there's nothing to feel good about
And nothing to forgive?

I love you, little baby.
You're a person of the wind,
Free to be the memory
Of all that might have been.

I love you, little baby,
My companion of the night,
Wandering through my lonely hours,
Beautiful and bright.

What does it mean to die before
You ever can be born,
To live the lovely night of life
And never see the dawn?

Ah! My little baby,
You lived like anyone!
Life's a burst of joy and pain,
And then, like yours, it's done.

I love you, little baby,
Just as if you'd lived for years.
No more, no less, I think of you,
The angel of my tears.

Comments

Great idea, Erika! I'd love to get more comments so I can see who's actually visiting this blog besides the usual suspects (Holly, Mom, Bird, Erika, Gail). Please comment when you can, if you feel so inclined. Even if it's just to tell me that I'm beautiful despite my horrific acne.

Acne

Finally, my acne is clearing up! When I was pregnant, I had it pretty bad on my temples. After my miscarriage, it migrated to my chin and left jawline. It was horrible. I was so embarassed about it and didn't want to show my face in public. Finally, after several months, my face is starting to clear up. I can't wait until it's gone completely.

I've been hoping that once my hormone levels go down and everything straightens out again that my face would go back to normal, and thankfully it has. Or, at least it's beginning to. I felt weird being a 30-year-old woman with teenager-type acne. Yick.

Boring

I have nothing to write about. Life is good and boring right now. Finally!

This weekend was very relaxing. Saturday we ran around and did some shopping and whatnot and then went over Phil and Laura's house. Phil's been feeling an influx of estrogen since their friend and her daughter moved in so he needed a boy to come over to drink beer and watch football. We were happy to oblige.

Sunday I stayed home all day except a quick run to the grocery store. We made Rachael Ray's Pizzagna recipe. I didn't like it at all. I think it was the pepperoni that ruined it for me. We got turkey pepperoni so I could eat it, but I don't remember ever having any type of pepperoni before, and apparently I don't like it. Maybe we'll make it again but without the grossness.

Yesterday was another relaxing day. Chris played tennis in the morning and then met up with some friends for lunch. I went to target and got a four-pack of gloves for 37 cents. I love that.

An online friend of mine just had her second miscarriage in just a few months and I'm so sad for her. She really helped me a lot with mine, and I was so happy to see her get pregnant again. She had a really hard time getting through the first one, but I hope she can remain positive and make her way through this one more easily. She's living my nightmare. I'm scared that when I do get pregnant again, I can't get excited about it because I'm afraid it won't stick and I'll miscarry again. I know the odds are in my favor, but unless you've been through it, you don't realize how much this sort of thing takes the innocence and fun out of pregnancy.

Maleah's Funeral

Today was Maleah's funeral. I did okay for most of it. I got a little teary when we were first there and hanging out in the funeral home so I walked outside and got some air. I was even okay during the graveside service. I cried a little, but no more than anyone else.

Afterward the service, my friend had bought two dozen pink balloons to release for Maleah. I wasn't going to take one and leave it just for family to do. However, a friend of ours had gotten one and he's someone I've talked to about our miscarriage because he's been through 2 of them with his wife, and he handed his balloon to me. Instead of refusing like I should have, I took it.

The second I took the balloon from him, I started thinking about my little baby that I lost and the emotions just completely overwhelmed me. I wanted to take a picture of all the balloons in the sky to post on here as a tribute to her, but I was just sobbing uncontrollably. I turned away from everyone and walked a few steps away so I didn't cause a scene (I was crying LOUD). The friend who gave me the balloon came over and hugged me and talked to me and when we released each other, all of the other balloons were already high in the sky. I let go of mine without even thinking about it. I just wanted it to catch up to the other ones.

After that, everyone gathered again under the tent to say their goodbyes and the cemetary workers started doing their thing and that's when I had to leave. Once I saw shovels, that was it for me.

The one thing I really loved about where they buried her is that she's just a few steps from a large tree. Hanging from the tree are several windchimes and it made some beautiful music. It was really nice.

Now it's over and I'm feeling much better than I thought I would. I thought this would bring me down for the rest of the day, but I'm okay. Maybe now that I got my period and went to the funeral, the book can close on this miscarriage and I can get on with my life. That would be nice.

It's here!

Finally! My period finally showed up today after 34 days, which I guess isn't THAT long. It's nice to know that my body works normally again. So far, no cramping or anything. I've heard horror stories about the first period after a d&c that it's really uncomfortable and heavy and terrible, but (so far) everything feels like normal. I can't imagine it would be heavy. I just stopped bleeding from the d&c 2.5 weeks ago. Normal periods have 4 weeks to build up.

I also picked up my folic acid supplement yesterday. Those pills are enormous!! I have a hard enough time with my regular prenatals, having to take them in a spoonful of applesauce or they don't go down. I had to take the folic acid with a HUGE heap of applesauce, but I got it down. I should take a picture of how huge they are and post it. They're unbelievable. My other ones were 1/4 the dosage but were as little as my birth control pills were. And if you've ever seen BCP's, they're tiny.

Tomorrow is Maleah's funeral. I'm not looking forward to it, but her mother has asked me to be there so I will. I feel like I've started to say goodbye to my little one, and now this won't make it any easier. But maybe it'll surprise me and be the closure I need. I sure hope so. I saw pictures of her from the hospital and she was a really beautiful baby. I'm so sad for her family. They put all of her belongings away yesterday and now the house, and especially the mother's room, looks so empty and sad. I hope they can all heal quickly from this.

Test Results

I got the test results back from my doctor's office today. These are the tests that he took instead of having the perinatologist do it. The findings were as follows:

I'm a carrier for Canavan Disease, which is one of the many diseases us Jews tend to carry. My paperwork suggests genetic testing, but my doctor didn't mention anything about that. I'll talk to the perinatologist about it. I don't think we need to worry about it unless Chris is also a carrier, which is unlikely.

My mutation is what they call C677T, which I believe is also called hyperhomocysteinemia. This can be treated by taking extra folic acid. My doctor suggested I take Folgard OS, which they are calling in to CVS for me. I can't just take extra of my regular folic acid b/c that also contains Vitamin A and it's bad to take too much of that.

More blood work!

I swear, I'm going to start calling my doctor's office Vampire Central. Every time I go there, they take gallons of blood from me. When I went for my D&C follow-up two weeks ago, they drew 8 vials of blood to check me for any problems that may cause future miscarriages, etc. but they were also checking my HCg levels. I found out this morning that they were 15 at that point, so now I need to go back in and have them draw more blood to make sure I'm back at zero. Ugh.

My temperature dipped this morning, so I'm hoping that means I'm getting my period today or tomorrow (that's typically an indicator). It's so annoying. I'm on CD32 (Cycle Day 32) so it hasn't really been THAT long, but I'd like it to be here and have it over with so I know my body's back to "normal."

In other news, my friend who lost her granddaughter came back to work yesterday and seemed to be doing very well. She talked to me for a while about everything that happened, funeral arrangements, etc. I think once Maleah is laid to rest, this family can really start healing. They're taking some of her ashes and going to inbed them in some sort of trinket for the mom to carry around (a necklace, keychain, or something like that) and then bury the rest of her ashes at a cemetary here in Fairfax. They have a whole section for babies. Any ideas on what they can do with the ashes so the mother can keep a part of Maleah with her? I've never known anyone to do that before.

Let's Dish

We had so much fun doing Let's Dish this weekend! I think the only things I really didn't care for but I understand why we had to do them was the constant hand washing and that I had to wear a doo-rag. Next time, I'll just put on a baseball cap.

We got started at the Lemon Herb Chicken with Parmesan Green Beans station (I think). All you do is put a freezer bag in a crock and mix all your ingredients in there and, voila! It was really cool and very easy. I was surprised at how crowded it was. By the time we were ready to leave, almost all of the stations were being used (obviously before this picture was taken).

In all, we made the Lemon Herb Chicken, Ravioli Primavera, Mediterranean Shrimp, and Chicken Tetrazzini. We had the Lemon Herb Chicken last night and it was really very good. We added some PastaRoni to go with it and it was great. We split the portions when we made them, so we only had to defrost and freeze half of the recipe and it worked out perfectly. Here's my plate:

Thank you Debbie and Bob for our gift certificate so we could try it out. We can't wait to do it again!!

Rest in Peace

Rest in Peace, Maleah Lynn Floyd. Born and died January 5, 2007 at 6:35am. She was 7 lbs 6 ounces and 20 inches long with a head full of black hair.

First Day of Work

Today is Chris's first day of work at his new job. We had to go out last night and get him a few sport coats, since that's part of what he has to wear. Sport coat, shirt, tie, pants. Poor guy's gonna be sweating all day, every day.

I also wanted to share pictures of the Hanukah party at my grandparents' house. I have a HUGE family and we get together every New Year's Day to celebrate. PopPop makes french toast and everyone sits at a super long table and eats and catches up and then we exchange presents. Since I only see them once or twice a year, it's really nice to see everybody and their kids and to see my grandparents. I hope no one minds me posting their pictures on the Internet. It's not like I have a far-reaching audience or anything. :-)




Today also marks one month since our miscarriage. It's been a rough road and each day is a little easier, but today is a little more difficult because of my friend's daughter's baby. I'm still waiting to hear from her but I'm assuming it's over now. I just keep thinking about that poor child (she's 19) having to go through labor to give birth to a stillborn baby. It makes me so sad. I know there are a lot of people out here (readers of my blog, ladies from my baby boards, my friends and family) that are thinking of her and sending her their thoughts and prayers.

Fun Distraction

With all the drama recently, I thought it would be good to do a fun post. Here are my celeb lookalikes. I'm just grateful Mayim Bialik (Blossom) isn't on there!

Life is unfair

Sometimes life is so unfair. For instance, my miscarriage was horrible. It's taking me what feels like a long time to get over it. But I know that it happens very often and you just don't hear about it until it happens to you. And I'm thankful that it happened when it did; meaning, that it didn't happen after the first trimester.

But today I received the terrible news that my friend's daughter lost her baby at 39 weeks. She was due to deliver any day now and when she went for a sonogram this morning, her baby had died. I have no words to describe the horror of it. And I feel terrible because here I was jealous and angry and upset that she's 19, unmarried, without a full time job, got pregnant by accident, etc. and it seemed unfair that I lost my baby and she was having one. And now her baby's dead.

I'm so sad for my friend and her daughter and everyone else that this death impacts. It's unimaginable.

This one's for Laura

If anyone ever gets the idea to make a porcelein doll fashioned after my child, please don't.

On New Year's Eve, Chris and I went to Phil and Laura's house to ring in the new year. At one point I needed to use the bathroom and was headed upstairs to use the one in their bedroom. Laura warned me that there was a doll on her bed and not to be alarmed. I was expecting one of those dolls similar to an American Girl or even one of those collector's dolls. What awaited me upstairs was worse than my imagination could ever have seen.

It was a life sized porcelein replica of Carley when she was 10 months old. She was dressed in a HUGE petticoat and had removable hair. Well, I don't think it was meant to be removable; I just think the glue just stopped sticking. When the hair was removed, there was a gaping hole in the back of her skull. She had this crazy grin on her face that would be cute if it were an actual child, but in a doll it was just freaky. She watched me as I slowly walked past her, trying not to make eye contact. I ran downstairs as fast as I could after I used the bathroom just to get away from her.

Chris wanted to see her so Laura brought her downstairs and they sat her down on a chair and she watched TV and hung out with us for the rest of the night. She was more wide awake than any of us were! Right after the ball was dropped, Chris and I headed home but Bizarro Carley was still awake and ready to party. I hope she didn't keep Laura and Phil up all night...

Resolutions

I don't typically make my resolutions public but I'm thinking that maybe if I do so, it'll force me to keep them, since I have all of you to make me accountable. So, here is my list of resolutions for 2007.

1. I hereby resolve to wash my face, brush my teeth and take my vitamins before bed every night.

2. I hereby resolve to keep my house straight and not just when company is coming over.

3. I hereby resolve to lose weight, unless I get pregnant. In which case, I hereby resolve to gain weight. And lots of it.

4. I hereby resolve to go to the gym three times a week.

5. I hereby resolve to stop cursing as much as I do.

6. I hereby resolve to be the best wife I can be.

7. I hereby resolve to keep my car clean.

8. I hereby resolve to keep these resolutions.

Hope everyone had a happy new year!