Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I'm not a good friend

I'm not a good friend. I know this about myself, yet I can't seem to do anything about it.

I have very few real friends. I have plenty of acquaintances, but not people I'm really close to. My best friend only lives a little over an hour away, yet I rarely talk to her on the phone or see her in person.

I try to make friends. I try to talk to other moms at the mall, or the playground, online, or wherever, but nothing really ever comes of it. And my friends that I do have, well, I have trouble maintaining those relationships. I don't call them on the phone because I feel like it would seem weird to call just to talk. I feel like I'd need something to say and I can never really think of any GOOD reason to interrupt their time spent with their family. I have two sisters-in-law that I really, really like. Yet I don't put forth the effort it takes to be close with them. I don't know why, really. They're both approachable and both go out of their way for me, yet for some reason I don't reciprocate. I'm lazy, or self-centered, or something, I suppose.

I made a New Years Resolution this year to be a better friend. Yet, I've done nothing so far to obtain that goal. I went to North Carolina for a weekend to see my friend Marty and I feel like that was a step in the right direction. Yet, that was weeks ago and I haven't called her since then. Haven't made a single effort to maintain that relationship. Why do I do that??? What is wrong with me? I've lost several friendships over the years because I felt that I was putting forth more effort than they were. Yet, there seems to be a recurring theme and just maybe I needed to take a step back and think that perhaps it was ME that was the problem.

And now that I realize that I have this problem, I have no excuse to not work on it.

10 comments:

Jess said...

I have the same problem. I regularly tell myself I need to fix it but just have a hard time doing so. I think that may have something to with me being an only child. Or I may just be a loner jerk. Who knows.

The fact that you recognize it and are actively trying to fix it is a big deal. Good luck!

NG said...

You just need friends who are as apathetic about making friends as you are. Of my two best friends in the world, one I haven't talked to in almost two years - and that's kind of okay with both of us because when we need to talk we each know where the other one is. The other one I rarely communicate with except for on IM. It works for me. But then again I am pretty dysfunctional.

Mom said...

Working all day and not having a minute to yourself until 8:00 p.m. is one good reason. Another problem is the computer. So many people feel they are staying connected by facebook, email, blogging, etc., but there is nothing like a personal phone call. Once you make a call just to say "hi" to a friend (for no reason), you will find you have things to talk about and that friend will call you another time. Eventually it will become natural to you and that friend and you will do it on a more frequent basis.

Sarah said...

I've got the same problem, although I don't really see it as a problem anymore. Life got in the way. I'm not in the same place as I was ten years ago when my best friend and I were inseperable. I don't know what the hell we talked about on the phone, but we managed to do it for about 20 out of 24 hours a day. Now, we're lucky if we talk once a month.

I think the reason I don't see it as a problem anymore is because I think everyone else is kind of the same way. I don't look down on you because you don't call me. You talk to me when you have something to say, and I appreciate those stories the most. I wish my BF would drive down here for a girls weekend, but the reality is, she's not going to drop everything just for a weekend. She has new priorities.

Sarah said...

The other things is...I hate the phone. I don't even like talking to your brother half the time.

The problem is I have to allot time to talk....like if I were to get on the phone with you, I'd be on there for probably two hours, which in today's age you almost have to schedule it in. If I'm going to do that, I'd rather see you in person.

1st Mate said...

I have had the same problem all my life, and finally nailed down the cause as low self-esteem. Why should anybody be interested in a call from me? I found that the more engaged I became with life, the more interesting things I had to talk about, and the more likely when I got into a conversation I got less of the glazed, "when-can-I-terminate-this?" expression. My sister has a great habit, always asking first thing when she calls, "Is this a good time to talk?" We all need friends, we learn from them, get support and feel better about ourselves when we can give support. We need to keep our antennae tuned so we're aware when we're boring others, and we need to have a kind way of disconnecting when we're feeling bored with a conversation. If we are sensitive to others, actively listen instead of busying ourselves thinking about what we're going to say next, we will always be welcome.

girl said...

I feel ya, just sayin'

Heather said...

Hi. I love you. You know I'm not a phone person either. But I think we have that cosmic thing going on, don't you? :)

Anyway, being a working mom is HARD. Hell, being any kind of mom is hard. So don't beat yourself up about not putting up effort when really when you think about it, you have time to get yourself and C ready in the morning, get yourself to work, get home, make dinner, play with C and C, get a good night's rest, rinse, and repeat, repeat, repeat.

Jessica said...

glad you're not sitting by the phone waiting for a call from me then. B/c I too am a rotten friend. I totally suck at taking the next step. I'm great about actually making friends, b/c like you I'm pretty outgoing and people seem to like me. But holy crap the WORK in keeping up with relationships?!? Holy hell... I just can't be bothered. I mean, I WANT to be bothered, b/c I want the relationships, but at the same time, omg the work...
Yeah I'm totally all over the place. Sorry for that, no wonder I have no friends.

amy.durst said...

Can I just tell you how awesome it is that I came here to tell you you're not alone, I'm the same way, and I see that I have to get in line to say that... Woot!!!!

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